The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
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I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
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Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize