there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
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When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
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I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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