I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
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Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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