My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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