Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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