Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
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That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
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Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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