The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
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Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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