She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
my shit smells like andre
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
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I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
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You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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