I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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