she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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