the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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