i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
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I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
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So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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