seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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