Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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