She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
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They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
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He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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