You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
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Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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