I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
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I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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