There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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