In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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