i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize