i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize