drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
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It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
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I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
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