Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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