Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
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until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
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No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
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