Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
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Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
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Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I could fuck to npr.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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