Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
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i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
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That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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