I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It's blow job season.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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