wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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