when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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