If that was your dad, he is hot
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
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I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
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I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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