I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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