Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
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oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
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i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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