Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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