i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
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She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
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There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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