Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
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I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
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Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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