The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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