you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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