The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
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Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
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I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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