I met the friendliest cop last night
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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