You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
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I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
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Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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