you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
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Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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