I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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