i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
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Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
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I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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