you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
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I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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