i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize