Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
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I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
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I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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