I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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