What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
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