In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
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what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
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idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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