So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
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Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
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my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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